Why not go for the polar opposite of a turgid straight white guy?
Smith faxed a turgid apologia over to Bullock on Sunday, a mere three weeks after her relationship with James came to light.
1610s, from Latin turgidus "swollen, inflated," from turgere "to swell," of unknown origin. Figurative use in reference to prose is from 1725. Related: Turgidly; turgidness.
turgid tur·gid (tûr'jĭd)
Swollen or distended, as from a fluid; bloated; tumid.